Dumbtown Brewing Company

Stupid Good Beers

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11. Mr. Porter


Some don’t like the ending of It’s Wonderful Life. Mr. Potter doesn’t get his just desserts. The implication is that Mr. Potter effectively fleeces the entire town on Christmas Day.

If you don’t like that ending, stay away from Ikiru. Ikiru is similar to It’s a Wonderful Life but the triumph is smaller and the ending is blacker. If you’re not up for getting down with Ikiru’s ending go back to watch It’s Wonderful Life yet again.

This time calculate the enduring benefits produced by a very long series of tiny choices.

  • Style: Imperial Porter
  • Liner note: If Mr. Potter had placed the $8,000 he stole from the Bailey Building and Loan into the stock market 70 years ago the value of that account would be 3x larger than the Evans School’s current assessed value and exceed the school’s actual value according to Denver Tax Records.
  • Beer tangent: Don’t get me wrong, everyone should watch Ikiru. Just watch it on Easter not Christmas.

12. Ms. Saunders’ Saison

Ms Saunders

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington isn’t as well-known as It’s a Wonderful Life and I strongly suspect Ms. Saunders is not as well-known as either George or Clarence.

The key to Ms. Saunders is she isn’t like Jefferson Smith. Her compass doesn’t automatically point in the right direction. It takes a great wrong to get Ms. Saunder’s on the right course. For Jefferson Smith, George Bailey and my brother George heading the right direction just comes naturally. Others like Ms. Saunders (and a guy who is about my height and has the same color hair) are only focused when they can’t bear to see a wrong persist.

I have an affinity for Ms. Saunders and Saisons. My affinity for Saisons is obvious. Saison are delicious. I suspect my affinity for Ms. Saunders will become transparent by the time I am through with this so-called beer poem.

My obsession with the Evans School is a compendium of rational check points. I love to tell fibs for comedy’s sake. You know the arrested development gullibility test thing pricks like me do with all too much frequency. Would you believe statements BUT without the “would” AND NOT stated as a question. Delivered straight faced and buttressed with progressively less believable statements until the whole charade collapses.

But here’s the deal and this is no such fib. The very first time I went into the Evans School there was indeed a broken stair knob. This is not a non-literary contrivance. I can introduce you to the owners. They can tell you I was the same arrogant prick twenty years ago. It was back when Denise Huxtable was breaking up with Katniss’ dressmaker. The owners can testify to the fact that I am not making this up. My guess is they will tell you code required them to fix the broken stair knob. My guess is they can show you an invoice.

Rolling Stone Lenny-Kravitz

Evans-School-Stair-KnobThe Evans School is not the dark and unready place it was twenty years ago. No my champions it is ready awaiting your arrival. I can speculate that the stair knob has been fixed because the building is to my knowledge ADA ready.

It’s not like there is a beautiful new brew house just sitting there. Not yet. But there is an elevator, new electrical, new restrooms, ramps, fire sprinklers, etc. Most of the big stuff is already done. There are just only about to 4 to 16ish huge things left to do and some other stuff. Regardless, the first two things required are a brew house and a kitchen. More on the other stuff I’m not presently disclosing later because first I have a foolish notion and a statistical fantasy.

I image that long ago when the Evans School was open there was a legendary teacher named Ms. Saunders AND she taught BOTH statistics AND philosophy. MORE THAN THAT, today as I write this I want to believe that at some point her in life she shared a beer with Neil deGrasse Tyson’s father.

Now I’m not so irrational as to believe this was the case. The chances of such a thing having occurred are clearly infinitesimal within the confines of our universe.

But statistics can be tricky business. Ask a question the wrong way and you get the wrong answer. The School was open about 70 years. What do you think the odds are there NEVER was a teacher at the Evans School who at one point in her life was named Ms Saunders? What are the odds there ARE NOT 64 Ronin brewers capable of this triumph? Those odds, I like those odds.

  • Style: Saison/Farmhouse
  • Liner note: There are approximately 35,000 members in the American Homebrewers Association. That’s total for the United States. About 8,500 of those members are in Colorado. I like that math too.
  • Beer tangent: Il Dorke totally needs some help with his fermenter utilization math.

13. Robert’s Shangri-La

It’s still Capra but now we are talking about Robert Conway and Lost Horizon.


The big quote:

ROBERTSON: Tell me something, Gainsford. What do you think of his talk about Shangri-La? Do you believe it?

GAINSFORD: (thinks a moment) Yes – yes, I believe it.

(sincerely) I believe it, because I want to believe it.

I’m not trying to fool anyone. There’s a lot of just wanting to believe in my Dreams of Dumbtown and my Evans School Notions.

  • Style: Fresh Hop
  • Liner note: Yes, as ignorant as I am, I do know that some person other than Frank Capra wrote a book with an identical title first. For heaven’s saké, the Evans School is right next to Denver’s architecturally renowned Central Library. Did you not recognize the image on the home page?
  • Beer tangent: Beer Has Your Back

14. Yeast & Desist

cease-and-desist-stampThis is where I do take some time to make some disclosures and make a request. Many of these names refer to movies, novels, etc. I’d like to see these beers brewed and sold at the Evans School, within the Golden Triangle Neighborhood and at at a few spots around the city that are special to me because they were elemental to my craft experiences. I don’t want Dumbtown to rip off anyone but I do want to riff off of a host of people and things. If you’re annoyed, just send a note telling Dumbtown to stop.

Please be cognizant that Dumbtown doesn’t exist – yet. Presently, Dumbtown is just an idea; nothing more than a than a fool’s dream. If you’re upset that may indeed be understandable. We can boch about it.

  • Style: Belgian Dubbel
  • Liner note: All I ask it that before you get upset about these names you go out and have two of my favorites. Go out and order a Salvation(s). Personally, that’s all I’m asking for; just a couple of salvations for myself. Is that too much to ask?
  • Beer tangent: Perhaps things like brew house scheduling and fermenter utilization aren’t such a big deal, but it seems issues like seasonality and mega events impact space requirements and therefore should be incorporated into the design of the brew house. Too bad Il Dorke is not a brewer.

15: HABU is Killing Me!


Now we go back to the beginnings of my obsession with the Evans School. My first “real job” was at a litigation consulting firm housed no more than a bow shot from the Evans School. I walked past my school all the time. I’ll confess, I stalked the structure.

Long ago when I would set out for “The Koop” to shoot pool with my mates I’d ride out of my way to nurture my fantasy. Yes, far back in the days of my invincible youth I would foolishly ride past that majestic building in a motorcycling act I called “paying homage”. I just wanted to nourish the fire.

Here’s the deal with my first job. I worked on some S & L failures. As a result, I read a lot of appraisals. I know a little something about Highest and Best Use and I am a glorious spreadsheet monkey. I know how to work the figures and I’ve witnessed the working of numbers create two massive social catastrophes in my comparatively short professional lifetime. AND, I am utterly dumbfounded by the fact that, as a collective, society took the S&L failures I got a front row seat for (Episode I, Deregulation Strikes Back) and within about half a generation expanded those failures by two orders of magnitude and unsettled the world. It really was quite the societal effort.

Consequently, when people try to lecture me about Highest and Best Use in absence of any numbers, or worse yet using fake numbers, I get extra special bitter.

  • Style: Extra Special Bitter
  • Liner note: Before my Evans School dreams began my brother envisioned a revitalized building with a spectrum of musical rooms (1 jazz + 1 rock + 1 folk + some n others). I am virtually certain his School of Music came before my mixed use mix-and-match. And, I’m positive-ish my idea is better.
  • Beer tangent: I’d love brew a beer all for me called The Golden Spreadsheet Monkey because IF I called it Excel Kung Fu, THEN I’d probably get sued.

16. Doing the Math

PermitAnnoucementThe Evans School does indeed present some formidable obstacles. There is a space utilization problem built into the building’s core. It’s a school that was built even before the halcyon days of Mayor Speer’s City Beautiful campaign. David Dryden, the architect who designed the Evans School, designed a great many other schools in Denver. The Evans School and North High School are among the few remaining pieces of David’s school work.

In 1904, when the Evans School was built, Mr. Dryden was a pioneer. When the notion of fire egress was still novel he built a solid stone school with huge hallways and exceptionally wide stairwells. These halls and stairs are magnificent spaces but in the real estate trade such spaces are referred to as common areas.

As financial constructs, common areas are separated from a something I call “non-rev” by at most two degrees of financial freedom. The short math is you have to get revenue out of the common areas. If you don’t it is effectively a one third increase in rental rates. The price proposition is suboptimal.

I have some ideas on hallway revenue but I definitely haven’t cracked that nut.

  • Style: Ordinary Bitter
  • Liner rant: It is time for me to do some socio-mathematical venting.
    The Evans School cost only $115,000 but that was 110 years ago. Safe to say it would cost substantially more to construct such a monument using today’s dollars. Please allow me to distort and over elaborate:
    1) If you had put $115,000 into an account for yourself bearing a mere 3.5% interest when the Evans School was built, you would now have over $5,000,000.
    2) If you told a hypothetical investor seeking after-tax yields consistent with long-term historical stock market returns that you would 110 years from now give them $115,000, they’d offer you something < $1.25.
    3) If you offered $115,000 to an individual seeking the typical pre-tax returns generally associated with the material risks inherent in real estate development, they would in theory, offer you essentially nothing.
    4) If put you $115,000 in an account for the benefit of the society with that same level of return, you would end up with over 5.25 X 10^15 units of public benefit, disregarding taxes and without accounting for any extraordinary social dividends. As measured in future pre-tax dollars of course.HABU Math
  • Liner note: I think this demonstrates the ambitions of society and equity don’t always view returns from the same perspective. Those two perspectives can be almost paradoxically contradictory. What about dividends? Well you show me the tally of all the social dividends The City Denver yielded from its investment in the Evans School – and I will show you the accounting.
  • Beer Tangents: I’m looking for a thought spot.

17. Coo Coo for Redevelopment



Stepping back I can see that my Dreams of Dumbtown are borderline. But here’s the deal. The building passes the most important test. The location works. This is transparent. The location question has been Asked & Answered.

A harder question to answer is how could this building possibly be vacant?Evans Phase Out Polaroid DPL 9707

  • Style: Chocolate
  • Liner note: It appears the daily traffic counts for the major thoroughfares that form the perimeter of the Golden Triangle are in neighborhood of 18,500 cars per day.
  • Beer tangent: Frank and Akira are mashing with my mind.

18. Nutting Original

on-the-shoulders-of-giants-false“Nothing original” is a quasi-slogan/battle cry I started using to describe my Evans School redevelopment philosophy. It’s not ironic per se. I feel it’s what an interviewee of Samantha Bee’s described as a double intennuandres.

Part of what I intended was sarcastic because in general, unless absolutely necessary, I didn’t want to use anything new. I wanted to keep as much of the original building as possible.

As important, I wanted to use as much pre-existing knowledge and experience as I could muster and harness. Things like what I’m dreaming about have been done previously; no sense reinventing the wheel. Historically, the beauty of the craft movement has been that such things are shared freely.

  • Style:  I’d love to see an acceptable homage to the Pioneers at Tommyknocker.
  • Liner note: In Il Dorke’s Dream Dumbtown Brewing Company occupies only about half of the first floor. Three or more retail operations and an artfully active hallway fill the rest of the first floor. The old auditorium on the second floor of the Evans School becomes a venue for a diversity of events and performances, and the eight classrooms on the second floor that surround the theater become collaborative workspaces for some of Denver’s most creative minds. And over the years an endless stream of various individuals reside for some undefined time on the top floor of the Evans School. Collectively they create, nurture and protect The Evans School and the ideals that reopened its doors.
  • Beer tangent: I don’t feel I like I spelt double “intennuandres” correctly, which bothers me. It’s right in my fake word wheel house.

19. TEC’s Tree Fort




From time to time I attempt to step back and ask myself if this is just some self-indulgent obsession. When I do, two things happen. First, I have to admit that it is just that. Then second, and almost immediately after that, I bump into somebody who actually knows stuff, and they say it definitely can be done, and they agree that it would be awesome. It’s perplexing.

TEC’s Tree Fort, it’s a confessional and a midlife crisis built into one clearly dubious structure.

  • Style: I’m thinking a piney IPA but apple something would be more on target.
  • Liner note: If you click on the thumbnails above you can see the tenants as I first imagined them nearly 20 years ago. Alternatively, if you apply the KISS principle it’s just 48,000 square feet of real estate; about 16,000 square feet per floor. That’s the back of the napkin math.
  • Beer tangent: The dubious structure refers to my business concept. The Evans School is solid, totally solid.

20. Epicenter of the Revolution


This hyperbolic phrase is something I imagined I concocted a long time ago to describe what I conceived as the extreme upside potential of the Evans School. Now we are far beyond the brew house and on to my arguably delusional Evans School mission. However, twenty years ago when I started my Evans School obsession there were already ripples being created by this movement. The course corrections society needs were not unseen. Eyes better than my own saw an improved path and they were already acting.

Revolutions are now underway. What is awesome is that as much as I feel I saw things coming, I never in my wildest dreams foresaw how quickly ideas could propagate. I thought one would need to make a huge amount of noise. Now you can just tweet and monumental things happen. It is indeed a crazy world we are living in.

  • Style: Kellerbier
    [It really doesn’t have to be a Kellerbier. Hugely popular would work too. Don’t get me wrong. There is no false dilemma here. Both would be perfect AND if you do BOTH, I feel you should get a star.]
  • Liner note: Near the end of 2014 Denver City Council pass a Neighbor Plan for the Golden Triangle. That plan calls for the Evans School’s parking lot to become a catalytic development site. Il Dorke remembers the playground and dreams of a garden. Il Dorke wants to challenge HABU’s supremacy in a public forum.
  • Beer tangent: I use 56k modems as an excuse for my lack of progress. Kahn academy I beat you to it! Except for the abilities and actually doing it parts.

21. English Class


My dreamy vision isn’t going to cut it. It’s not going to pay the bills. You’ve got to take care of the fundamentals. Brew up a classic bell ringing innovative cliché.

  • Style: Classic English Pale Ale
  • Liner note: I have a lot of jokes that I’ve told for a long time. Statistically speaking, most were never funny and chances are if I told you one of these jokes you would find it both tired & old. To test that hypothesis, here is one such joke. English is my second language and I don’t have a first.
  • Beer tangent: One boundary of the Golden Triangle Neighborhood is Speer Boulevard. Clearly, if Dumbtown ever becomes something more than nothing, a Speer homage-brau will be required.

22. That Old School

Evans School Front DPL746

The amazing thing about the Evans School is that even shackled it still manages to do its work. Twenty years ago the Evans School was locked and without teachers. Yet it taught me some important computer skills. It’s is an almost a surreal thing. The Evans School helped make me the spreadsheet monkey I am today.  Closed up and shuttered the Evans School helped a woman obtain her masters. Randomness and coincidence are insane cousins.  Apparently, this woman still lives in Denver.  Another friend of mine was at her wedding.  And a friend of his knows …

In simplest terms. The Evans School deserves its very own toast. Ideally this beer will also ring a great many bells.

  • Style: Old Ale
  • Liner note: There is an anti-left handers’ anomaly in the Evans School. Can your eyes see past the blockage into the architect’s intent? Not me, ironically, I had to read about it.
  • Beer tangent: Not with your Left Hand

23. Golden Triangle Lager








Simple, the Evans School is the heart of the Golden Triangle.

AND you’ve got to have a lager.

  • Style: TBD Lager
  • Liner note: Speer Boulevard, Colfax Avenue and the Lincoln/Broadway Corridor form the borders of the Golden Triangle Neighborhood.
  • Beer tangent: Oh, please don’t let me be infringing in my own back yard. Brewers are opening so fast I can’t even keep up in my own city for God’s saké.

24. Acoma Street Ale

GT-Plan-Final_Page_04 GT-Plan-Final_Page_09GT-Plan-Final_Page_08




The Evans School is located at 1115 Acoma Street. Yep, another patently obvious business maker. Call them foundational beers.

25. The State House


You need a bang up stout to keep the lights on. It’s another foundational style. It’s also the building next door where the peoples’ voice can and should be heard.

  • Style: American Stout
  • Liner note: One classic Denver adventure is to climb the steps of the State Capitol and stop on the step that allegedly marks exactly 5,280 of elevation above sea level.
  • Beer tangent:  Vine Street was my stout epiphany. Ironically it was two mortgage brokering enginerds who took me to Vine Street for my epiphany. There was a light shining in my own back yard and I missed it. Mountain Sun showed me the light. I believe Vine Street showed me the way to break the arithmancy of HABU’s obfuscating style.  And when a man as endlessly busy as Jim Koch gives you time to discuss the model and confirms its validity – that’s affirming. When he does it walking sideways between two other conversations and on his way to a third, it’s humbling. Humbling, humiliating, I’ll take whatever semantics I can break.

26. Theatre Tart


I’ve always believed my Dumbtown dreams could be made real. I’ve believed at each and every successive selfish iteration. Nonetheless, that school’s old auditorium has always spooked me. The business start-up math goes like this: brewery success rate amazingly high; restaurant failure rate worthy of pause, and theater success rate, well you need the business equivalent of an electron microscope for that measurement. That’s said, I’m no theater tart and I can still think of myriad cool revenue streams for that 200 person space.

Dumbtown needs to host a great multitude of events. At a minimum the theater needs some serious TLC. At the extreme, the possibilities are endless.

  • Style: Oud Bruin or some other tart
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: The auditorium seats do not look comfortable. Flexible use would be optimal but could be challenging. Bueller want a business?

27. Halfway Home

Halfway Home

Before I was halfway home it became abundantly clear my so called beer poem was going to involve more than 64 beer names. Nonetheless, in my mind’s eye I still see 64 beers and ideas being chosen from among all my nonsense and the offerings of the Ronin. I like the notion of brackets of beer and an almost perpetual pro-am beer styles smack down of HABU’s corrupted calculus.

I’d like to run with the goals of regular weekly tappings and mega-monthly events.

There is comedy you will never know in the number of times I attempted to move this beer to back to what I imagined to be its proper place, MS Word auto-number 32. I want Dumbtown to brew this one 32nd. It’s like the lottery, 32 has historical meaning for me. I want Dumbtown to brew this one on the 32nd day of the 32nd month… Hey wait a second.

Seriously, with respect to de-levering the business. In down turns, leverage kills. I’d like to see Dumbtown be so crazy insane busy initially that all debt is laid to waste in the first year. I envision equity being paid back in the second year and investors being provided a just and healthy return in the third.

Then, I’d like to see the Evans School transform into a quieter place. A place still visited by many but more random. I’d like to see the Evans School morph into some kind of civic perpetuity.

But I haven’t the slightest idea how to do that.

  • Style: OPEN
  • Liner notes: The Dumbtown system could certainly brew substantially > 64 beers but that would be even more impractical than my insane 64 tappings goal. Foundational beers will brewed in multiple batches and take up the largest proportions of kettle time. Ultimately, Dumbtown will do what it needs to, brew beers that sell.
  • Beer tangent: The dude is acting like an 18 year old Farmer on the short tour.

28. Bengal Jeopardy

It’s not all serious. I want to have a comedy night.


I’ll take the Indian Subcontinent for over a century, Alex.

  • Style: English IPA
  • Liner notes:
  • Beer tangent: A potential alternate beer name could be The East India Company. That is, unless per chance that name hast for some reason previously been claimed. Exclusivity, there’s a night of debate in single word.

29. Ayn’s Imperial Red


This beer has to be deliciously ironic. I’m all for some pointless debate. We can have a satirical debate night. We can ask the question is selfishness a virtue – but when we do we have to label that idiotic question correctly. We have to label her premise false, deem the question Asked & Answered, and collectively as a society we need to stop letting nonsense retard progress.

  • Style: Imperial Red; ideally a Russian Imperial Red if there is such a thing.
  • Liner note: I wasn’t impressed by Atlas Shrugged and I don’t find fictional economics compelling but surely there is a fraction of a night’s conversation that can be drawn from this nonsense.
  • Beer tangent: Proof by fictional repetition

30. Digress Much


Well now, I am not quite halfway home and I’m floundering. So here are just a bunch of random beer names and tangential thoughts that are all in sum odd way connected to my Evans School Notions.

  • Style: You decide, I’ve lost my train of thought.
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: 5 barrels/batch X 31 gallons/barrel X 8 pint/gallons ≈< 1,200 pints per batch.

31. Improved Discourse


When I dream of the Evans School having impact beyond its grounds I dream of infinite things. When I step back and ask myself what one thing I would most wish the Evans School could achieve, I conclude that it is improved discourse.

Once again, I find myself facing the fact that I’m so not the guy to do this thing. Poor discourse is for me both hypocritically & ironically a personal pet peeve & a personal problem. All too often I find myself practicing progressively destructive discourse.

32. Impaired Discourse


Genius eh? Preliminary tapping night thoughts? No heated debates, just quantum mechanics.

  • Style: Barley Wine
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Thus, with beer-drinking, pipe-smoking, song-roaring, and infinite caricaturing of woe, the disorderly procession went its way, recruiting at every step, …

33. Minor Miracles


Screams unoriginal but nonetheless, I like it, I like that because in my dreams I see music helping make the theater hum; the whole building, the whole neighborhood really. I chose Vienna for this style because I don’t want to over think everything.

  • Style: Vienna
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Drop some nerd on it

34. Golden Windmill


This one is mostly about a style I love, the neighborhood, and Don Quixote – but it is also a style I am 100% confident a Colorado home brewer can drop the bomb on.

  • Style: Peach Wheat
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: I’m looking at you Western Slope. I’m calling you out specifically and asking you to bring it. Bring it fresh and nasty – assuming we get the rules and rating systems worked out in advance.

35. Sancho’s Golf Bag


Grab a lance, pick a mission, and make a contribution.

Then we’ll all celebrate a tremendous display of collective stupidity.

36. Pumpkin to the People


Pumpkin is the undisputed King of Seasonals but this one is all about the peoples’ mashes.

  • Style: Pumpkin
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Time for me to google the number of people who have already brewed this beer AND/OR coined that phrase. Odds are somewhere(s), someplace(s), I’ve already had this beer(s) and read those words. My speculation is I have had this beer 2 to the n times, where n is some number greater than or equal to one.

37. A Civic Affair


For this tapping we can celebrate and examine citizenship.

Christ, I got nothing here. I was just praying for a field beer.

  • Style: Field Beer
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: That picture is either from a 420 event or a Nuggets Championship parade. You decide.

38. Multiple ABUs


I was there at the beginning of Colorado craft. At CU when Boulder Beer began. Way back then I didn’t know about bittering units and therefore was I able to misuse the ABU acronym thusly:

ABU stands for Auxiliary Boyfriend Unit. An ABU is a guy a girl brings online for supplemental validation in the event of a PBU failure [PBU is the Primary Boyfriend Unit].

Fellas, if you are desperately making time for a girl so she can tell you how poorly her current boyfriend is performing with respect to her emotional satisfaction in the hopes there is a micro possibility you’ll be swapped in to the PBU position on some fateful day, well then you’re dreaming. Don’t give up the dream but face facts. You’re an ABU and the odds are you’re just a stop gap until the new PBU arrives.

I knew this girl once, fabulous woman but total chick bomb. You wouldn’t want to be her boyfriend. She had more ABUs than you could count.

  • Style: Massively Bitter
  • Liner notes: ABUs are not “friends with benefits”. Back in my day the ABU was configured for unilateral aspiration only. For a dude my age this current day friends with benefits notion is like some kind of distorted and abstracted conflation of the Legend of Merlin and The Curious Life of Benjamin Button. An illuminating written description of this phenomenon is beyond both my comprehension and my grammatical abilities. What I can say is I do not have any contemporaneous data for, or personal experience with the intimate and near instantaneous benefits two friends might share as the result of simple and short text. Furthermore, as this social trend progresses my life is moving in the opposite direction. Through whispered inference I hear tale of a whole new world view in which there exists a present day legend of near instantaneous hookups in the palm of your hand. Upon reflection, perhaps a good many things may remain the same for dudes.
  • Beer tangent: It’s not hard to figure Millennials out. They’re easy.

39. Catholicism’s Fifth Stage


This is someone else’s joke. It is not mine. I don’t know if I am telling it accurately and I can’t tell you whose joke it is. All I can tell you is it hit home.

To my recollection Senator, the joke went something like this. There are five stages of Catholism:

  1. Born Catholic
  2. Raised Catholic
  3. Practicing Catholic
  4. Devout Catholic;
  5. And, Recovering Catholic.

40. Manifest Destiny

ManifestDestiny SandCreek







How about this for a provocative July 4th tapping. Just because it’s the most awesome country ever doesn’t mean it’s perfect. It’s a tuff name for a tuff bit of American history and a truly tuff brewing challenge.

41. Fermentus Foeder Cupola

Evans_School SE Corner 1

One of the Evans School’s most striking exterior features is its green copper cupola. Can we wild ferment in the cupola and then stick it in a foeder? I have no idea but if we can, we should. This one would have to be way down the road.

  • Style: Wild Beer
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Sorry Martin, even with the full force of my ignorance I couldn’t foist you into the cupola.

42. Social Insecurity


A simple play on words but endless opportunities for thought and discussion. Perhaps a conversational documentary shot in the theater in multiple episodes over some thoughtful amount of time. In my Evans School dreams this is something analogous to the brewing process; there is inspiration, research, analysis, effort, reflection, contemplation; all present and persistent AND none are rushed.

  • Style: American Brown Ale
  • Liner note: Here’s how I develop my joke budget. I aim to make just one person laugh. I have a singular goal; crack myself up. If only two people laugh, I’ve doubled my comedic revenue target. Please allow me to illustrate. That old school asks me question that are simultaneously profound and personal. The Evans School queries me – if doughnuts were arguments how would you order them? Simultaneously the structure places the answer in my head. A full years worth + a dozen of those extra large ones AND an unhealthy amount of excess capacity for still more.
  • Beer tangent:

43: The Populist


More taste and none of the Kaiser. Dumbtown may have problem here.

  • Style: American Pilsner
  • Liner notes:
  • Beer tangent: The Kaiser may be my favorite Avery Seasonal but Avery is all about the Jedi beer mind trick. No, this is not your favorite Avery beer.

44. A Taste of Kolscharado

Taste Crowd

Is the selection of a kolsch a good choice for a food event? Add it to the list of things I don’t know. The point is the Taste of Colorado is a huge annual event in Civic Center and Burt Reynolds would love this name.

  • Style: Kolsch
  • Liner notes: A Taste of Colorado Festimates the four-day family fun, food and entertainment extravaganza in Civic Center Park is enjoyed by roughly 500,000 people annually.
  • Beer tangent: I fear I drank this beer at “The Koop” 110 years ago.

45. Snake Chaser


Always delicious, never green. Assuming Dumbtown can get a permission slip, this would be Dumbtown’s St. Patrick’s Day beer.

  • Style: Irish Red
  • Liner note: Single, double, triple, whatever it takes. Dumbtown pour sizes would be dependent on such variables.
  • Beer tangent: During a not too distance GABF and not far from the Evans School I sat next to an Irish Craft Jedi who could in theory put the Cork on this one from across the pond. He encouraged me to come to Ireland so he could take me to a pub with my last name on the front door. This is a true story. It is not Doppelbunk. I have his business card.

46. A Hop in the Mouth

punched-in-the-faceThis may need a trademark search but it doesn’t need an explanation.

  • Style: Double IPA
  • Liner note: Initially I was intimidated by the sheer number of tappings and events inherent in my 52 weeklies + 12 monthlies = 64 problems math. Not so much anymore. That is with respect to conception. Execution that’s different.
  • Beer tangent: HABU’s needs 64+ Hops in the mouth.

47. Denver Sans Au Beaches


What would make Denver perfect? An ocean.

Still I hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon.

  • Style: Tropical Light Lager
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: What’s Latin for BMEMBM?

48. The Sun Never Sets

Sun Never Sets

Sip and consider how history lingers.

  • Style: British Imperial Stout
  • Liner note: Breakfast, lunch and dinner for 250 or more seats when the sun is shining in Denver; 300 plus days a year.
  • Beer tangent: Read and not repeat

49. Never Ever


Ideally customers will order this one over and over again AND this country will remain forever democratic.

  • Style: American Imperial Stout
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Il Dorke is clearly setting up a Claude-tastrophe.

50. Mommy Bear’s Beer


A honey beer is not exactly the wife’s favorite beer style – but the “Mommy Bear” thing, that’s an old family thing. The “Mommy Bear” thing goes back to the days when lifting kids was easy. It’s not as old as my Evans School obsession but it’s close to being that old. Regardless, before “Mommy Bear” was “Mommy Bear” she was riding with me through another dream. That was > four world cups ago.

  • Liner note: The wife and I weren’t on the road in the pictured above. One small portion of our journey started with a twisty road sign that said underneath Next 93 Miles. The whole way down into the canyon I kept saying I should get a picture of one of those. Next 75 Miles, Next 53 Miles, etc. Turns out you don’t want to stop the ride to take pictures.
  • Beer tangent: A 500cc Malibu Barbie Beach bike will get over 140 miles on a single tank of gas in the Utah desert. Which is a good thing because it has to.

51. Wilford’s Colon








Can you brew an oatmeal stout so good Dumbtown can name it this and still sell the crap out of it? Doing such a thing would totally be worth the role of the dice for an idiot like me.

  • Style: Oatmeal Stout
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Seriously, there is a placed called Uncyclopedia.

52. Putin’s Desires


Thou shalt not covet your neighboring country.

53. No 4th Wall


Barriers? What barriers?

  • Style: To Be Broken
  • Liner note: Could somebody who reads handle this one for me?
  • Beer tangent: Any elemental style would work here. Just make it something I’m not familiar with, like an American Strunk or a Queen’s English White

54. The Fun Nun

nun-funny-comment-pictureWhen you are looking for a good time and a religious experience you need a super easy drinking beer.

  • Style: Belgian White
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent:

55. Canadian Girlfriend


I had a vision one night. In it Dumbtown brews a brownish-blonde ale in tribute to the glowing locks of my old Canadian Girlfriend. I’ll tell you what, she was one tall drink of water. Make this one a 20oz pour.

  • Style: Hybrid; a hybrid based on a clearly dubious suggestion.
  • Liner notes: Ideally this beer will help me remember the name of the city in which my Canadian Girlfriend lived. That is, before her Dad got a new job, her family had to move, and as result we lost touch.
  • Beer tangents: Kim Jordan is my inspirational imaginary entrepreneurial stewardship girlfriend.

56: Can We Boch?


I suspect someone else has already used this name. It’s not original. It’s just about making the Evans School a place of conversation.

  • Style: School Bell Boch
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent:

57. Autumn’s Angst


I love it when the fall seasonals arrive but falling leaves can blow my mind in unhappy directions. I’m more of a Spring in the Rockies person.

  • Style: Oktoberfest
  • Liner note: I rented Dreams and watched it the night before drove through a mystical Rocky Mountain morning on my way up to do some inordinately difficult wood cutting.
  • Beer tangent: Splitting firewood with tears

58. Civic Center Common

CommonGoodFlagSo here I am almost at beer name 64 and only now I am getting to the heart of my Evans School dream.

I have this abstract notion of a common or generic citizen standing in between the city’s Central Library and Art Museum. They look south and see a statue atop a fountain. The statue is not particularly original. It riffs off the story Promethus and integrates the commonalities of humanity studied and described by Joseph Campbell. This random undefined citizen finds the artistic force of the statue compelling, so they walk towards the Evans School.

When they reach the Evans School they walk into a garden that is presently a parking lot but was once a was playground. As they stroll into the George Bailey memorial garden they walk past a bench that pays tribute to Ikiru’s epiphany. The bench is peacefully shaded by a singular peach tree.

That unspecified person walks into the Evans School, they linger in the garden, or they walk on. In my dreams it does not matter. Whatever the action, some nano positive is created.

  • Style: Common
  • Liner notes: I dream of a place so cool Natalie Merchant comes to sing Wonder. I feel as if that song has always been linked to my imaginary, non-specific, potential citizen throughout my Evans School obsession. I know she wrote Wonder but if she says it’s about her or some other specific individual that’s wrong. It’s about the individual potential of each and every person. That’s the idea. That is why in 1904 the City of Denver built the Evans School.
  • Beer tangent: Il Dorke wants to do something foolish. Il Dorke wants to do something Prometheus would do.

59. School Rules



This clusterhaus of my mind is a time bomb of humanity. We are going to need some rules for ourselves if constructive engagement is to be achieved. My thought is these rules can be and to some extent should be developed as the planning and construction process evolves and proceeds. I see others bearing witness to this process and the collective tone of all our interactions being improved.

I want to put the spirit of Coopetition on a stage big enough for the world.

  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: Dumbtown should also brew an experimental beer called breaking the rules. On the night of that tapping the difficult balance between following the rules and the breaking boundaries can be examine.

60. Transparent Theologian

theologian-trading-cards1I’d like to see Dumbtown brew this beer early on. The idea of transparency is important to craft beer and it’s important to all of us collectively.

Let’s get this conversation going ASAP.

  • Style: Triple.
  • Liner note: I’d love to put some monk funk on it and call it the Transparent Trappist but that would be breaking the rules in a most unacceptable fashion. Perhaps an answer lies just across the street, around the corner, or down the road.
  • Beer tangent: Bread of life

61. Privacy Problems

InternetPrivacy_591The thing about transparency is that as soon as you head down the transparency road you run into privacy problems.

Plenty of discussion and debate with respect to that balancing act.

  • Style: I can’t decide; I’m conflicted
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent:

62. Rating System Red


I have some unoriginal ideas with respect rating Dumbtown’s beers internally. I know others outside of the Evans School have already cracked the beer rating nut and I am thankful there are some things I need not even consider.

This is actually a very old name of mine. It wasn’t about rating beers per se. It was about making a rating system for the Evans School’s content and figuring out how to filter it properly. I want to have a family friendly restaurant AND bar AND I want to have raunchy comedy in a former children’s auditorium.

I don’t know how to do that.

I figured some smart people could figure it out while they drank and brewed some beer over a great many occasions. After all, none of this has to be figured out day one. There’s plenty of lead time in planning and build out. Most importantly, we can learn a great deal and avoid a great many problems if we are intelligent enough to look to our predecessors.

  • Style: Red
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: I suppose this could be a single, double or triple but it definitely can’t be an imperial. The imperial red, that’s for Ayn and her objectivism nonsense.

63. Doppelbunk

Astrology-is-pure-bunkThose who know me well may know any number of things but they all know I loves me my made-up words.

This conflation is about the practical notion that Dumbtown will need to figure out how to rate and innovate but it also ties into the notion of improved discourse. I love to be silly but if we are trying to accomplish something serious, can we skip the disbursement of nonsense? Can’t we forgo that for expedience sake?

Apparently not but I’m a paradoxical beer nut AND I think beer can change that. Not monumentally overnight but over time. Again, I just believe this because I want to believe this. My calculus is such that I say at a minimum the Evans School can retard the trajectory of stupidity. My paradoxical math says beer can do this.

  • Style: Doppelbock
  • Liner note: I was misusing the word ueber so long ago my friend, who took German in high school, asked me what’s up with you and “ueber”? All it means is “over”! Back then, 30+ years ago, I could not disclose the truth. The people on talk soup had already started referring to my Canadian Girl Friend as an ueber-model because she so transcended mere supermodels. I had a moral obligation to keep our relationship secret. Half of that story is true. I’d like to tell you it’s the later half but that would be Doppelbunk.
  • Beer tangent: Now Uber is a huge car service and Uber is a super aid to responsible drinking. Yet, ultimately, nobody gets it but me. Ueber is French for awesome.

64. Asked & Answered


So much public discourse seems to go only in circles. Perhaps this has to some degree always been the case. Nonetheless, I retain the conviction that back in the days when the public came together to build the Evans School notions such as Asked & Answered carried more weight.

I offer the notion of Asked & Answered as an alternative to useless discourse.

  • Style: Altbier
  • Liner note: I’m not much for capital punishment but this whole teach the controversy thing, I’d like to give that a public execution.
  • Beer tangent: Directed to Shutdown

65. Conflicts of Interest


I’m picking up where Samatha Bee’s interviewee left off. It’s a prey on words, ingredients and opposing forces.

I also have nostalgic dreams of days past when individuals ran from conflicts of interest. You know, back when they didn’t obfuscate around them.

  • Style: Coffee
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangents:

66. Full Disclosure


Apparently you may potentially minimize possible future legal conflicts if you provide something resembling full disclosure.

  • Style: Scotch Heavy Ale
  • Liner note: This should be an 8 ounce pour served in a pint glass.
  • Beer tangent:

67. Institutional Faith

WSJ Trust Deficit

My fanciful dreams are not unaccompanied by fears. No, to a great extent I know that my obsession with the Evans School and my associated dreams are driven by fears. Even before the younglings, I feared the foundations of our society were exposed. Our collective faith in our essential institutions was being undermined and if that faith should ultimately fail, then certainly all of us are doomed.

Surely my champions you can look into you cupboards and find lances to fight for such things.

  • Style: Historical Beer
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent:

68. The 4th Estate

4th-estate-saleOur media has become a parody of itself. Good God! There has to something the Evans School can do to help with this problem. Being closely surrounded by every major affiliate in the city should help.

  • Style: Rye
  • Liner note: Like a lot of these beer names, I’m not thinking this name is incredibly original. So if the Dumbtown Brewing Company ever becomes a work of non-fiction AND you’ve already brewed a beer named this AND you don’t want Dumbtown to use it for its quixotic charge, just give Dumbtown a shout. Ask my wife, I’m a prick, not a total dick. She said approximately that AND she was precisely accurate.
  • Beer tangent: It’s just a dream after all.

69. How to Get Yourself Sued – 101

How-to-Get-SuedIt appears a multitude of permission slips can be added to the long list of things Dumbtown needs.

  • Style: Black Listed Ale
  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent: The Permission Slips Pilgrimage… that was Ronald Coleman right?

70. The Mentors’ Malt


This beer is not for you my imagined Ronin. This is beer is for your Captain. It is the brew of the master Dumbtown requires. This beer is for the leader of the Ronin of my imagination.

  • Liner note: A key Evans School notion is that tenants of the Evans School put mentoring on display.
  • Beer tangent: Herding cats

71. Ale of the Apprentice

13achefapprentice_600The Dumbtown plan includes a brew master and an assistant brewer. In practical terms Dumbtown has a lot of brewing to do. The master will do most, then the apprentice and then the Ronin.

  • Liner note:
  • Beer tangent:

72. Shepherds for Ronin

All American Young Male


In my most fanciful dreams I see even more wondrous things. I see far off in some place not known to me Craft’s Jedi Council assigning a particularly skilled brew master to each Ronin. I see eight squared Jedi guiding these brewing Ronin via the force of the internet.

And I see yet more fantastical things.

I see Chef Robert Irvine’s sledgehammer knocking down two non-structural walls I had always believed should be preserved so that a whole new kitchen of possibilities might be opened up in a space that was so dark when I entered it two decades ago I feared I might fall and become impaled.

  • Style: Analogy
  • Liner notes: Like the stair knob formerly known as broken the walls are a not dream. The walls are there. You can touch them. I believe those two walls can be knocked down but I am not presently certain that is the case.
  • Beer tangent: Jedi, Ronin, Posses unite; form of a Velveeta Shield!

73. The Evans’ Battalion


All of my dreams end the same. The Evans School is liberated. You my champions, you return to your homes and to your families. You return home knowing that the Evans Battalion you first assembled will continue battling for nano miracles in perpetuity.

When I awake I am not dreaming. So I contemplate our world and our age and I calculate that Il Dorke’s Evans School dream could indeed happen. We live in wondrous times. An individual can tweet for a quarter battalion and see an army arrive to deliver a monumental social Victory.

  • Style: Biere de Garde
  • Liner notes: In the name of John Evans I declared this tapping pre-emptively won. John Evans lies at the foundations of our collective history. John Evans was there when what is now known as The University of Denver was just a little theological start-up called Denver Seminary. You can label John Evans a pioneer for both Denver and Colorado but if you do understanding just a portion of the man and his accomplishments would require you to peel back several layers of meaning. Yet again, soccer, serendipity and the Evans School deliver an option. Through soccer I come to know a DU history professor. She’s already told me what the deal is. She’s got this. Eyes closed and walking backwards she’s so got this. It’s pre-emptively over and done. She’s so got the John Evans thing; she teaches at the University John Evans helped create AND history is totally her style of academic Kung Fu.
  • Beer tangent: Like say, if Voltron were an office building.

74. Unintended Consequences


When not dreaming about the Evans School I contemplate the notion it could all be much worse. The building could have been knocked down and our faith in our institutions could be far more eroded.

  • Style: Russian Imperial Stout
  • Liner note: 64 Ronin brewers could kickstart the brew house for LESS THAN FIVE FIGURES EACH. The restaurant and taproom would entail that much again. If you can sell all the beer a 5 BBL system and triple-dumb fermentation formation can make in one year, then brew house debt could indeed be done in year one. One fifth that number of pints is more realistic and five years of debt service more sensible. And in reality, somebody competent has to be in charge on a daily basis.
  • Beer tangent: God forgive me if I cause the Evans School and the craft movement to be combined into some kind of unholy cheese factory.


75. Tocar la Pelota


Call me confused AND accidentally upside down AND unsurprisingly ironic. I’ve had this beer name in my head for quite some time but it wasn’t until I was well through scribing this quasi-poem that I realized this would be my last number.

Much more one this one later.