I was there at the beginning of Colorado craft. At CU when Boulder Beer began. Way back then I didn’t know about bittering units and therefore was I able to misuse the ABU acronym thusly:

ABU stands for Auxiliary Boyfriend Unit. An ABU is a guy a girl brings online for supplemental validation in the event of a PBU failure [PBU is the Primary Boyfriend Unit].

Fellas, if you are desperately making time for a girl so she can tell you how poorly her current boyfriend is performing with respect to her emotional satisfaction in the hopes there is a micro possibility you’ll be swapped in to the PBU position on some fateful day, well then you’re dreaming. Don’t give up the dream but face facts. You’re an ABU and the odds are you’re just a stop gap until the new PBU arrives.

I knew this girl once, fabulous woman but total chick bomb. You wouldn’t want to be her boyfriend. She had more ABUs than you could count.

  • Style: Massively Bitter
  • Liner notes: ABUs are not “friends with benefits”. Back in my day the ABU was configured for unilateral aspiration only. For a dude my age this current day friends with benefits notion is like some kind of distorted and abstracted conflation of the Legend of Merlin and The Curious Life of Benjamin Button. An illuminating written description of this phenomenon is beyond both my comprehension and my grammatical abilities. What I can say is I do not have any contemporaneous data for, or personal experience with the intimate and near instantaneous benefits two friends might share as the result of simple and short text. Furthermore, as this social trend progresses my life is moving in the opposite direction. Through whispered inference I hear tale of a whole new world view in which there exists a present day legend of near instantaneous hookups in the palm of your hand. Upon reflection, perhaps a good many things may remain the same for dudes.
  • Beer tangent: It’s not hard to figure Millennials out. They’re easy.